American Idol Drinking Game

And now, the most important post of the entire year, perhaps the sole reason to maintain your Idol viewing schedule when we sink into things like Mariah Carey theme week. Without further ado - the Official Rules & Regulations for Idol Drinking.

To begin with, you will want to secure your materials. The rules are written with beer in mind, so you may want to cut the number of drinks in half if you prefer wine or harder alcohol. Or don't, and have a really enjoyable Idol experience. It may make every performer sound better. Also, for those who may haven't played a drinking game recently, "drink" is equivalent to "sip."

(I should have mentioned, this post is also being brought to you by Diet Coke, which I've been chain-drinking all day, and the The National's "Alligator," which is also an amazing album, and which I'm also listening to on vinyl. See, AA, it's the coolest!)

Introduction

- Open your first beverage, and take a drink as Ryan declares "This..... is American Idol."

- 2 drinks if Randy is wearing a shirt with sparkly writing on the front

- 2 drinks if Kara is wearing something utterly ridiculous

- 1 drink if Simon's wearing white, 2 drinks for black, 3 drinks for grey

Performances

- 2 drinks if the performer is singing something you know you've heard on Idol before

- 5 drinks if the performer is singing a song that has been performed so much on this show you want to gnash your teeth together and throw your drink at the screen. Examples: Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now), I Have Nothing, Piece of My Heart, Alone. You'll know it when you hear it. Also, Against All Odds is at least twice as annoying for having the parenthetical subscript. Phil Collins, you jerk.

- 3 drinks if the performer is wearing a flower in their hair/a tie (this is NOT gender specific)

- 1 drinks for each instance of performer making cheesy seductive eyes at the camera (double this is said expression makes you visibly uncomfortable).

- 1 drink for each over-exuberant hand gesture (a la Archuleta)

- 2 drinks if they are performing with an instrument

- 3 drinks if they make an excursion into the audience/the "rocker" stage behind the judges

- 3 drinks if they end on a melismatic Idol Glory Note (tm)

- 5 drinks if they forget their words

Judging

- 1 drink if a Kara (or Ellen) fills the ceremonial Paula Abdul role and tells a contestant they look beauitful/handsome

- 1 drink PER each of the following Randy-isms: "dawg" "pitchy" "for me, for you" "it was just aight" or any imaginary number "a kabillion percent!"

- 2 drinks if Kara pounds on the table while critiquing a contestant

- 2 drinks if Simon pulls out any of the patented lounge/karaoke/cruise ship metaphors

- 1 drink PER time you have no idea what a judge is talking about

- 3 drinks if you find yourself missing Paula

- 5 drinks if Simon tells a contestant that they were either unequivocally excellent, or horrible. Again, you'll know it if you see it. No modifiers or softening.

And finally...

- If Simon uses any varietal of the "you could/might/will win this thing," shots for everyone!

As the season progresses, I'll adjust the rules as necessary. Who even knows what fun sub-rules Ellen could bring to the show!

In the meantime, I'm heading to the Teeter-Totter for a six-pack of something cold to enable my own participation in my game. Since this is the official start of the season, and since I've exhausted myself blogging my little fingers to the bone, I might have to procure something tasty, courtesy of Kevin & Sue. Thanks, guys!