Top 12 Girls Preview

Sorry for my absence - I was really just holding out for my first comment (which I finally received!), and now that my ego has been properly satiated, I can move forward with my commentary duties. Well, actually, I was just kind of wrapped up in an Olympics/live music haze. Just last week I managed to see Brandi Carlile, Jeff the Brotherhood, Screaming Females, Surfer Blood, Laura Veirs, and all were excellent! This will also give me an extra dose of scorn with which to critique our Idol wannabees tonight, so really, every one benefits. I will also make a solemn vow, right now, that I will post a review of tonight's performances before the clock strikes midnight.

So, to review last week's performances/preview what is happening tonight most effectively, I'm going to rank the female contestants so far by my personal preference, because, really, what else matters? I should also mention that copious research went into preparing this, as I not only went back and reviewed lots of video clips of performances, I went and read all the contestants (almost painfully) boring bios on the official website. Speaking of which, the Idol website was more pimped out than a NASCAR car (Is that redundant? I don't know what NASCAR stands for and don't care enough to look it up, so oh well). I mean, to the point where they were making me watch 30 second commercials clicking between web pages. So don't be surprised if the contestants have VitaminWater logos projected onto their foreheads as they perform tonight. And, in that spirit of things, I feel compelled to mention that this blog is being brought to you by the combined forces of Diet Coke and the Gossip's excellent 2004 album, Movement (which I'm listening to on VINYL, AA).

So, from worst to first:

12) Haeley Vaughn

In what I'm sure is surprising to no one, I simply don't see what is appealing about this girl, other than her sparkly personality, if you're into that sort of thing. A sparkly personality on Idol, however, usually results in a contestant that sticks around far too long. I know they seem to be looking for the next Taylor Swift, but we've already got the one, and a pale imitation is not what I wish to see. Especially when every performance I've seen so far has been breathy, off-key, and surrounded by ham-handed guitar playing.

11) Paige Miles

Well, Paige, I honestly have no idea who you are, and I hope for your sake that you pull off a killer performance tonight, because the producers have shackled you with a huge disadvantage. If only you were 16.

10) Michelle Delamar

Really, same as Paige. I couldn't pick this girl out of a line-up. Best of luck!

9) Ashley Rodriguez

Hey, I recognize this girl! To be honest, she has a great voice and excellent control of it, which should come as no surprise, considering she just completed a degree in voice at the Berklee School of Music. Impressive! It seems, from what I've seen so far, that she tends to being a R&B belter, which isn't my favorite form of Idol contestant, and also seems to have hewn pretty close to the original version of each song she has performed, which in my opinion isn't very exciting. I certainly expect plenty of photogenic moments and competent singing from her, though.

8) Katie Stevens

Yes, I am still applying the 16-year-old contestant handicap, as well as the fact that she seems to sing the same general style as the 3 contestants I've ranked slightly lower than her. I must admit to being impressed by her tone and composure. No more backstory though. No more!

7) Siobhan Magnus

First of all, what in the name of holy fuck-all was this girl wearing at absolutely any point of Hollywood week? A lace top and what appears to be an apron for her first performance? A tight satin... nightgown (?), leg warmers, a jean jacket and a fluffy white flower? What the what, as Liz Lemon would say. Not to mention the fact that Ellen told her to "lighten up," and Idol followed with a Ryan Seacrest voice-over claiming she did exactly that as we hear her singing Stevie Wonder's "Living For the City." Um, Ryan, you know that's a song about not having any thing and managing to just get by, right? Ok, great, just checking. With that addressed, I can say I thought most of her version displayed a good voice, although she totally overcooked that last note. Bottom line: though her chances of doing something utterly ridiculous (and possibly disastrous) are probably higher than almost any one else's, a little piece of me can't help but pull for the underdog, particularly one that might come out wearing literally anything every week. If nothing else, that can be my entertainment!

6) Didi Benami

I never thought there would be a day that Idol could user on a contestant that made Brooke White look emotionally stable, but behold! The day has arrived! The fact that Didi has literally collapsed into tears at each and every point of this process is a cause for concern, seeing as how Idol seems to amplify each contestant's nerves and emotions to the breaking point anyway. Also cause for concern - she seems to like Kara DioGuardi, even requesting to be able to give her a hug. And, I spent most of the time while she was hugging Kara trying to determine if she was really an actual jean skirt, or a faux-jean skirt, or if there is even such a thing as a faux-jean skirt. I still don't even know! So, we have lots of red flags. But, she has displayed a good voice up to this point, and seems to fit the singer-songwriter female contestant mold the judges are favoring this year.

5) Janell Wheeler

To be honest, I have a hard time differentiating between her and Didi Benami, with the main difference, from what I can determine, being that Janell cries 50% less, but is also 50% less polished. She started off strong, and her audition, and especially her rendition of "American Boy" were highlights for me. Unfortunately she followed that up with a rendition of Taylor Swift that was absolutely heinous. Why does everyone sound like ass when they sing Taylor Swift? I was glad she made it through, though, and I'm hoping she can tend more toward the earlier moments of her Hollywood Week experience.

4) Katelyn Epperly

Ooh, a controversial choice! That's why I get paid the big bucks, kids, to make tough calls like these. To be honest, as I mentioned last time (and sorry about not being able to remember your name then, Katelyn), I've found something striking about her voice ever since she auditioned in Chicago. Although her subsequent performances were not necessarily stellar, they all displayed a rich tone and a talent for original and interesting phrasing that I found quite appealing. With that said, she does need to find some way of increasing her interest in the songs, as her performances were all sort of stiff and lifeless. I think it was her online bio, however, that really won me over. She lists The Yeah Yeah Yeahs (!), Wilco (!!!), and Jack White (I love Jack White!!!!!!!!!) as influences, which if nothing else means she is the one contestant who actually listens to the same music as I do. Maybe the first contestant ever, actually. Which is why I'm declaring that is Katelyn Epperly makes some badass indie rock song selection at some point in this competition, I will wholeheartedly support you. I mean, probably not with my votes. But definitely some positive brainwaves.

Oh, but for the love of all that is holy, please stop talking about your parents' divorce. I know it must be hard, but NO MORE BACKSTORIES, period.

3) Lilly Scott

Though we didn't see a ton from her, I think she could definitely be a contestant I will really enjoy. She made unique songs choices, interpreted them in a thoughtful and original manner, and also seems to possess good musical taste and a modicum of creativity. Also, I'm absolutely fascinated by her hair. Is it blonde? White? Silver? Platinum? I don't know! Dear America, please allow her to stay around long enough for me to determine what color her hair is.

I have to say, though, as much as I enjoy contestants like her, it always puzzles me when they show up on this show. Even when the singer-songwriter types go far (a la Kris Allen, Brooke White, etc), they typically are relatively clean-cut, sweetheart types, not the quirky indie types like Lilly. Oh well. I suppose we shall see.

2) Lacey Brown

Again, in the interest of complete honesty, this is based off of one performance - her amazing take on "What A Wonderful World," played during the making it into the semi-finals videos. I was absolutely stunned by it, and hope she can pull of something equally gorgeous in the contest. The downside? The American Idol band (motto: We can make anything sound like elevator music!) will totally eviscerate her nuanced performances if she let's them. Oh, American Idol band. Did any one else think they displayed previously unseen levels of Smooth Jazz interpretation as the contestants did their final solo performances? After the umpteenth performance of bubbly I was checking my living room to make sure I wasn't actually in the waiting room at the dentist.

*(Musical sub-note: Katie is currently playing a song that actually includes the lyric "We're about John Wayne, Johnny Cash, and John Deere/Way out here/Our houses are all protected by the good lord and a gun/and you might meet them both if you show up here not welcome, son." Nashville gives me heart palpitations.)

1) Crystal Bowersox

Bow-er-sox! Bow-er-sox! As I'm sure everyone could have guessed, she is my favorite enterting the actual competition phase of this show. I could go on, but basically I just like her voice, her phrasing, her ability to play multiple instruments (and play them well, unlike many of the contestants), her take-no-shit attitude, and her interest in "real music." In other words, I don't think she's going to be covering Leona Lewis, for which I am eternally grateful. On the bad side: America (in the form of the American Idol viewing audience) seems to hate people who are different, so I'm concerned about her (semi-)dreadlocked, tattooed, pierced self becoming derailed by that. Stick it to the man, Crystal!

Last thought: What the hell were Randy and Kara wearing the other night? Kara's tight tube dress with the side ruffles in gold lamme? Randy's diamond-studded pants? What, was Siobhan in charge of dressing them? (Ooooh, sick burn).

So now that I know the comments work, who do you guys love? Who do you hate? What are the odds that Siobhan wears a feathered-headress tonight? Can you tell Paige Miles and Michelle Delamar apart?