So, to get ready for the commencement of the season, I'm preparing this handy list of my American Idol pet peeves, so no one can claim surprise when I engage in a multi-paragraph rant against the offenders in the upcoming months.
5. Randy and Kara
This really doesn't need explanation - I'm not sure there has been a single documented instance of either member of this terrible two-some saying something interesting, let alone remotely useful. However, I cannot rate them higher on my list of pet peeves, because their strangly incoherent and repetitive judging is a crucial component of my patented American Idol drinking game (to be employed for live performance shows only, folks).
4. Stammering Teenaged Contestants
Am I a cynical curmudgeon? Well, probably. But every year, without fail, the judges decide for some unimaginable reason that what the show really needs is a couple blonde-haired, blue-eyed, baby-faced youngsters who think Boyz II Men counts as retro soul music to join the crowd of contestants. And, to top it all off, there is always a gaggle of 13-year-olds in the audience who squeal with delight as said teenage contestant giggles inarticulately through the awkward pre-performance interview. Yuck. Bottom line - if the judges' main compliment of your performance is "And you're only 16," chances are high I will not be a fan.
3. The "Hey, I Hit That One Really Song High Note So Vote For Me!" Contestant
I don't care if you hit that one last great note - the 90 seconds before that were completely off-key, you forgot two lines of lyrics, and tried to get the crowd to clap along as you cheesily grinned your way through a ballad about losing the love of your life. Yes, the judges will likely give you 3 gold stars and compliment your outfit (wait - does not more Paula mean no more fashion critiques? !!!), but I am not amused.
2. Bad Song Selection
To be fair, I probably impose far harsher judgments on song selection than almost any one else, but there is no faster way to earn my ire than to sing some overdone, melismatic, trite rendition of some tune by Celine Dion or Phil Collins. Even the hackneyed Brian Adams ballads thoroughly aggravate me. So please, contestants, I beg you, take the time to choose something that hasn't been done a million time before, and isn't just a bad song in it's own right. Thanks.
*Ignorance is not an excuse. I don't care if your parents raised you in a cultural vacuum where they only played Bryan Adams on 8-track for your entire childhood. If you want to be a musician, you should probably have attempted to learn a little something about music along the way.
1. My Life Has Been Sad (cue Video Montage)*
Listen up, contestants. I know past seasons of American Idol have increasingly led you to believe that the best, perhaps even only, way to attract attention to your delicate hopes and dreams is to immediately blurt out the tales of hardship that have occurred in your life. But here's the problem. If it's the kind of deeply personal story that would be awkward to tell at, say, a first date or cocktail party, it's infinitely more awkward to share with 30 million strangers. Yes, we might feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable. And then every subsequent time you bring it up, it appears you are trying to use your personal misfortune to advance your status on the show, and that is extra unpleasant for us at home. So before you go sneak your mostly senile Great Aunt Ethel out of her retirement home again to parade her in front of the camera and tearfully declare that you are doing this all for her, please reconsider. There is a fine line between telling the audience a little about yourself and being an attention whore.
*Danny Gokey is the all-time most egregious offender of this. Danny Gokey, you have a secure place in my Annoying Contestant Hall of Fame. Fear not.
Happy Season 9 everyone!
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