On The Other Hand

I thought the girls did a quite pleasant job tonight, so I will actually take the brave step of ranking them. Here goes...

10) Haeley Vaughn

She chose a Miley Cyrus song. Nothing else matters. Automatic last place.

9) Lacey Brown

I hate this song, and I hated this performance of it. Randy was right (What? I haven't even been drinking!), this was total girls night out karaoke. It's so strange to me that the performances that got her here were exceptionally nuanced, and now she's decided she needs to sing "bigger" than that. Go figure. I think she'll go home tomorrow, considering I had to look up the performance order to remember she performed at all.

8) Michelle Delamor

I have to give her some props, because her Creed song made a better soul song than I would have imagined, although it was very strange, because it sounded like the band was still playing the crappy butt-rock version, while she was trying to sing a soul version. I also felt like it showed her voice isn't actually as big as she would like it to be. So, on the down side, I didn't think the vocal was amazing. Also, she picked Creed. All this horrible active rock sends a shiver down my spine.

7) Katie Stevens

She bores the snot out of me. She sounded fine. Bad high note. A lot like the originkhjjkhjgjg whoops, I was falling asleep at the keyboard just thinking about it. Moving on.

6) Didi Benami

I'll give her some props, because she actually displayed more vocal range than I thought she had, and the judges were a little too harsh, but it just wasn't the best arrangement. She could be in some trouble tomorrow because she was kind of forgettable, and most of the other girls she shares a similar style with performed far better tonight. Hopefully she can avoid falling through the cracks, and the terrible two will go home.

5) Paige Miles

It was pretty much just exactly what Kelly Clarkson does with this song, but not quite as good. Also, people smiling in songs when the lyrics are definitely not a smiling matter is a huge pet peeve of mine. But, she sang well tonight and does have a good voice. I just think she'll lack originality later on, but will probably get the obligatory Top 10 soul singer spot (unless my girl Siobhan takes it).

Speaking of...

4) Siobhan Magnus

If these rankings were for personality, Siobhan would be number 1 on my list by so much we could just end the season now. I laugh every time this girl appears in front of a camera. Her explanation of giving herself a mohawk? Amazing! Her response to Simon's "you are a strange person" comment? Priceless. The fact that she was apparently wearing a rag from a car wash as her headband? Take that, Haeley Vaughn! Siobhan designs badass headbands too!

But for all her hilarious and quirky quips, she sets all of that aside when she takes the stake. She just seems to be completely confident up there, and just owns her performance. Now, I couldn't put her on the top, because there were definitely a few notes off in her performance, and because, really, no one but Aretha can do Aretha justice. But I'm still pulling for our little glassblower to do well.

3) Katelyn Epperly

So, I'm going to take a few moments here to give myself some mad props, because way back in the way back I said I liked this girl, and I continued saying it even when the judges took it upon themselves to shat all over her performances last week/during Hollywood, and she's totally backed it up with two really good performances in a row. And, mad props because I am not a Coldplay fan, and I totally dug this performance. Yes, it was slow, but unlike so many of the other performances this season, I was engaged the whole time. I didn't want to take my eyes away from the screen while she was performing, unlike last night, when I kept finding myself inadvertently pushing back my cuticles while someone was performing. And damned if I can find those pitch problems Randy was talking about. This girl has an amazing voice and great control of it.

The one thing I did totally agree with was Simon's comment - girlfriend spends way too much time staring into the camera. She just needs to perform the songs and not worry about the cameras. I think ultimately she has the potential to go really far, though - she's got a great voice and a "commercial look" aka she's smokin' hot. Although that off-kilter shirt was kind of freaking me out. I just wanted to reach out and straighten it out.

2) Bow-er-sox

Well, this was actually probably the best performance. But this is my blog and I can do what I want. She obviously has a great voice, great control of it, a pitch-perfect performance, etc, etc, she's great, the judges love her, they really should just advance her to the finale now. I agree with all of these things. She is awesome. But I kind of expect that for her. Her challenge will be to continue surprising and impressing when people have such high expectations for her. But no complaints about this performance. It was amazing, and a great way to start the night.

1) And I Shall Dub Thee 'Feather'

Ok, I am officially disbursing 10,000 cool points for the fact that Lilly wore one single enormous feather earring. Because, I mean, why not? That is awesome. Also, she plays the melodica and the moog. That is awesome. I will put aside all of my holier-than-thou over-educated counter-culture snobbery and deign to vote for this silly reality show competition if, and only if, she busts out the Moog for a performance.*

But, really, I thought her arrangement of this song was cool and original, I thought her singing was great, and I appreciated the fact that she understands that a singer doesn't have to be belting to be good. I enjoyed the fact she was still conveying emotion and meaning in some of the subtler moments. And she was playing lots of barre chords on a 12-string guitar, which is not easy to do. Not to mention those things are a total bitch to tune. So, basically I thought this performance was an exemplary display of badassery. Mad props.

* I reserve the right to make other declarations of absurd things contestants can do to earn a vote from me

Last couple thoughts:

- A two hours show is way too long for 10 singers. When there's time to force awkward judge banter and thank the band, even though there's been 734 commercials, there's too much time. Shorten, please.

- Whilst writing this post one of my couch cushions became dislodged and I have been apparently just been sitting on the springs/fold-up mattress for the past 45+ minutes. The fact that it took me that long to notice this, is, I think, the most telling explanation of how hideously uncomfortable this couch is.

- Predictions for going home tomorrow: Jeremiah & John for the boys, Lacey & Haeley for the girls. I think Michelle, Didi, and every one of the boys should also be nervous. Though as last week has demonstrated, I'm not that good at this prediction game, though I believe selecting all of the guys as potential eliminees greatly improves my chances for this week.

- Mark promised me he would comment on this post. If he does not, we must all shun him.

That is all

Whew

Well I'm infinitely happier about wasting a couple hours of my time every week watching this show knowing that tonight was significantly better than last night. As you may have noted from my absence in posting earlier today, yesterday was so unspeakably awful I couldn't compel myself to write anything about it. Alas, my journalistic resposbility compels me to say something about it. So, to make the boys brief and to the point... they all sucked. They all sucked ass. Let me elaborate.

Big Mike sucked because he was by far the best of the night, simply by singing the proper notes and adding a little verve to his performance. Let's set the bar low, mmkay?

John Park sucked because he picked a John Mayer song, and then had to make it worse by picking an especially bland John Mayer song (redundant, I know), and then had to make that worse by singing it without any energy or correct notes.

Casey James sucked because he picked that dumb Gavin DeGraw song that I've heard 70 bajillion times (tm Randy Jackson), and sounded way worse on it than Gavin and the cadre of past Idol contestants who have annoyed me by choosing it. Then he had to top it all off with some gratuitous (and not that great) guitar playing. Apparently he didn't get the memo that you still have to sing well, even if you're playing guitar. I'll admit, I'm extra bitter because I had to go back and watch this again, because I was so befuddled about his amp set-up the first time I wasn't even listening to the singing. I don't know how he was controlling the wah, but it didn't appear to be with the pedal, and there was definitely a micro-amp that was not present on stage. I know no one else cares but this deepens my suspicions and confirms to me that he's up to no good. Sorry, my dear cougar readers, I do not understand this gent. I may just start typing "Cougar you-call-its!" in place on comments about his performances.

Alex Lambert sucked because he was probably second best of this night, even though he appears so terrified during his performances one could reasonably surmise that the person holding the camera is also menacingly wielding a chainsaw. Also, he has a faux-mullet. That may be worse than an actual mullet. If you're gonna do it, have some balls.

Todrick Hall sucked because he brought us a hideous smoove jazz interpretation of Tina Turner, and filled it with unnecessary vocal runs.

Jermaine Sellers sucked because he is the sonic equivalent of cotton candy ice cream topped with sprinkles. There's too much crap going on! But then when you sort it out you realize all of the ingredients are still awful on their own. But, he does have an advantage... he has the big guy in the sky voting for him. I wonder if Jesus has AT&T though? According to Katie the ability to text in votes is much more efficient than calling. I hope Jermaine has consulted with Jesus about this.

Andrew Garcia sucked because he took a limp, boring James Morrison song and made it significantly more boring, and was singing wrong notes all over the place. Regression, anyone?

Aaron Kelly sucked because he turned this song into a total theme park cheese-fest, adding runs and melisma and heaping piles of vibrato and all of it added up to simply pain my ears. That is my very least favorite type of singing. I would be infinitely happier if someone were literally just screaming at me. At least it would be real.

Tim Urban sucked, just like he did last week, and Hollywood week, and... well, yeah like everytime we've seen him! He can't sing on pitch. Please go home.

Lee DeWyze sucked by choosing that Hinder song that I could happily never hear again for the rest of my life. It reminds me of the dorm bathrooms my freshman year of college. The Friley bathrooms weren't bad, but it's not really a place I need to be transported back to. Also, bands like Hinder, and Creed, and Nickelback (gag) are possibly my least favorite form of rock music. And I thought he sounded nasally. For me for him, it was just not good.

I didn't even try to rank this mess, because, really, would it even be possible? That's like asking someone what kind of dog shit they'd like to step on. Does it really matter? You're just pissed that you stepped in dog shit, and now you have to go waste your time cleaning it off your shoes. That's how I felt about last night.

Tuesday Already?

This past week disappeared in a blur.... a blur of convocations that is. The past week of my life was wasted (yes, wasted) "learning" about incredibly useless topics and seeing how discreetly I could play Scrabble on my iPod. Fairly discreetly, it turns out. But alas, I only have 2 more convocations left in which to exercise my newly honed secret Scrabble skills. WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. So apparently there is some singing TV show on tonight? And it appears that the male contestants are supposed to perform tonight? What the fuck is up with that? Bad singing is supposed to take place during my ethics class, damn it. And I don't think my restraining order against shirtless boy's faux-seductive stare has come through yet, so double damn it. Hopefully this is all a big mix-up, or my convo-crossed eyes have lost the ability to read effectively.

So what can we expect from the men tonight? Probably another big steaming pile of crap. I will vow to return from the record store (where there will be free beer. FREE BEER!) in time to snarkily recap everyone's (likely) failings. Please let there be no Rascal Flatts, no Bryan Adams, no Fall Out Boy, no One Republic, etc, etc, etc. Fingers crossed.

Retraction: Girls Rule

When I'm wrong, I'm usually very wrong. And I was wrong to insinuate that the girls' performances the other night were somehow disappointing in light of the truly frightening display put on by the gentlemen last night. I'm hoping to chalk the whole situation up to first week nerves... hopefully. So, from worst to first, with the caveat, that I didn't actually like a single one of these performances. It would be like me ranking varieties of beans. Some might be less offensive than others, but they are all still distinctly unpleasant.

12) Jermaine Sellers

Already in a big diva hole from dissing the band during Hollywood Week, this dude managed to turn in one of the most hideously egregious performances I've seen in a long, long time. Large portions of this song were sung in a manner so off-pitch I can safely say I'm capable of better. Yikes.

11) Tim Urban

The huge, terrified eyes and patented Idol Band Smooth Jazz arranged of this horribly overplayed song were almost enough to push me over the edge, but the "falsetto," or should I say, "strange whisper," was odd and ridiculous and the whole thing was unpleasant. Any time I can unironically say, "I preferred David Archuleta's version," it's bad news. Typing that last sentence made me vaguely queasy.

10) Alex Lambert

Well, from a completely biased point of view, I like this song a long better than most of the options his competitors selected, but unfortunately for Alex he sounded flat and nasally throughout the song, appeared perhaps even more terrified than Tim Urban, and is sporting a mullet. Not even in the annoying, ironic hipster sort of way. Just because, apparently. And I don't care how "cute" he or any other contestant is. PSA: Voters, do not advance singers who poison my eardrums because you think their mullet is "cute." Thank you.

9) John Park

"God Bless The Child" requires a very nuanced, skillful interpretation to pull off. This wasn't it. I think he does have a good voice in there somewhere. He better hope the sympathy votes will get him another week to prove it. This performance was so boring I really have nothing else to say about it.

8) Aaron Kelly

Choosing any Rascal Flatts song is just about an automatic way of making me angry. Basically, the judges love this kid, he can fill the Kevin Covais role, finish somewhere between 9th and 12th because he's "cute" even though he looks scared shitless when he's singing. I couldn't even tell you what his voice sounds like because my mind has been automatically trained to go into sleep mode when Rascal Flatts is playing, to prevent damage to the hard drive.

7) Todrick Hall

I'll give him credit for one thing - I've never heard anything like that version of "Since U Been Gone" before. So points for creativity, but I never need to hear it again. The spoken word intro and jazz-funk arrangement were all just bad, bad, bad, but he sang better than several of his competitors. Also on the plus side, I enjoyed that he accessorized with a whistle around his neck. Stylish and safety conscious, a very wise move Todrick!

6) Tyler Grady

I want to like this kid, I really do, but it seemed like he was too busy trying to affect his voice to sound like the original instead of simply singing, and too busy working to the stage to sing on pitch. I'm all for on-stage insanity, but not at the expense of singing well. Also, what the fuck is with the backing band? They make every pop song sound like elevator jazz, and then make this classic rock number sound like 80's hair metal. Ugh.

5) Andrew Garcia

As with Katie Stevens, all my worst fears have been confirmed. After displaying acoustic pop reworkings at every stage of the show so far, Andrew boldly went with... an acoustic pop reworking! Ha, what a rebel! He also picked a horrible song to work his magic on. As he so ably demonstrated, Fall Out Boy actually writes pretty awful, semi-incoherent lyrics that do not need extra attention drawn to them. Clearly the only hope to make this song work is to have Pete Wentz there to flip his bangs around. And, actually, in my opinion the comment Simon made last night to Crystal - "there's thousands of people like you out there" - is actually more applicable to Andrew. As Youtube can attest, there are literally thousands of people out there doing acoustic covers of songs. Unless he busts out some new moves next week, I'm quickly going to go to Officially Annoyed. Alas, I predicted to Mark it was very likely I would feel this way about him by the second week.

On the plus side, his performance this week featured 100% less awkward gang backstory. Maybe there's hope!

4) Joe Munoz

I remember him singing well, and I also remember him singing a sleepy Jason Mraz song. This wasn't enough to entice me to go rewatch and be able to offer informative commentary. When I tried I was distracted by my phone, and I don't even like phones. That's how unexciting this was. Mostly on-key, though, so, good job?

Also, wasn't there some dude named Joe Munoz? Or was that Jose Munoz? Isn't that the same thing? Sue?

3) Casey James

This whole performance just aggravated the piss out of me, for 3 reasons:

1) The whole "OMG he is sooo dreamy and Kara loves him" storyline. First, I don't think he's that cute, certainly not to the point where all the ladies need to be restrained so they don't jump him while he's performing. Also, the constant carping on his looks is so shallow and irrelevant to singing (I know I know, what about Idol isn't?), and is now completely played out. Not to mention the fact that his super cheesy "seductive" glances at the camera just made me feel like I needed to go take a shower. Ugh.

2) I have, courtesy of Mark, heard 10 million versions of "Heaven," and don't need to hear any more. This overplayed, maudlin song agitates me on it's own (except for Cascada's version, which makes me want to go to a rave), but multiplies exponentially when paired with a contestant that already agitates me.

3) The goat-y vibrato he employed liberally was repellant.

All of these factors combine to so repel me that I had to rewatch his performance through a single squinted eye, before concluding I still hated it, and also that by virtue of being mostly on pitch most of the song, it was one of the better performances of the night.

2) Michael Lynche

Holy shit, another musical pet peeve of mine, and one I find almost as distressing as Bryan Adams. Why, dare I ask, do you have a guitar on stage if you aren't going to have it mixed high enough to hear? And especially why have it if you aren't going to play it, except for occasionally striking the low-E string with your thumb? If you aren't going to play the guitar, don't fucking bring it onto the stage. It doesn't make you look cooler to not play. End of rant.

By singing reasonably well, he earns the runner up spot for the night. Honestly, it doesn't feel like he deserves it, but I couldn't find someone who's performance I would elevate above his.

1) Lee Dewyze

This spot is given out at least in part because I liked his T-shirt, which appeared to say "My Weapon of Choice." What I really want to know, is what was displayed below those words on the shirt, sadly obscured by the guitar? Or was he trying to indicate the guitar? I hope it was something so edgy that Idol made him play the guitar so no one could see whatever was on his shirt.

Oh, right, his performance. Well, like a bunch of the other songs on this list, I don't need to hear this song again for a loooong time. I thought his transformation of the song from sleepy Brit-pop to 90's grunge pop was kind of interesting. There were some changes to the original melody that were kind of appealing. He hit some bunk notes in the chorus, definitely, but overall sounded better than most of the guys. I don't know. I guess this was just less aggravating than all the others?

Oh, and this comment is for Randy - Kings of Leon are not "hard rock." Please do not be ridiculous. Thank you.

Also, I went back and re-watched a couple of the girls' videos while I was watching the boys' videos last night, and I think, in hindsight, I would flip a couple around. I would probably put Crystal at 1, Epperly at 2, Didi at 3, and Lilly at 4. Still definitely the 4 best, in my opinion. And I would easily rewatch any of the top 6 girls over any of the guys.

Predictions for tonight: really any number of people could go for both genders, as all sorts of people managed to be brutally bad and/or boring. But alas, only 2 of each shall go. So my analysis.

I think it's safe to say the last two performers of each night - Andrew, Casey, Katie, and Crystal - are definitely safe. I think the two annoying teens - Haeley and Aaron - will also be safe. I think previous exposure and not-the-worst to good performance will make Big Mike, Lee, Tyler, Didi, and Lilly safe. Other than that, I hope my two underappreciated girls - Siobhan & Katelyn - will be safe. I think they will be, though I don't feel comfortable predicting anything with this fucked up field. But I still will, of course.

Going:

Girls: Paige, who no one knew and sang poorly, and Lacey, who people barely knew and sang even more poorly. I definitely wouldn't be surprised if Ashley Rodriguez or even Michelle fell into this spot.

Guys: I think Jermaine Sellers awful performance and stank personality will slam the door on him, and I think Todrick's reworking/destruction of "Since U Been Gone" and early performance slot will send him out the door second. Again, I wouldn't be surprised if either of the tuneless twins, Alex or Tim, go instead.

Your predictions? Have to have them now if you want credit for being prescient later!

That Was A Cluster...

Not a peanut cluster either. Yikes. Tonight, for me for you, that was not a great performance show. Performances ranged from terrible to good paint-by-the numbers approachs. Also, I am awarding myself a gold star for correctly predicting a plethora of hair flowers (or some variation thereof) and inserting that clause in the drinking game. Each additional drink was welcome, that's for sure.

As usual, from worst to first...

12) Paige Miles

I felt bad for the poor girl, having to go first after getting no screen time. The judges might as well boot you right out the door. They softened the blow, though, by overly praising her attempt at "All Right Now." Personally, I didn't think it was interesting, and I thought she sounded off and looked terrified throughout. Pass.

11) Lacey Brown

The rankings at this point really are just a toss-up, but it'll suffice to say I did not enjoy this performance at all. When I heard her song choice I sat up on the couch - I love Fleetwood Mac! - and I had liked what I heard from her before. But after a pretty decent 10 seconds she pushed the vocals into places that were not good, or even compatible with the song. Landslide is one of the ultimate more-is-less songs, so why try to make it more! Not a fan.

10) Haeley Vaughn

Ooh, I forgot about her for a second. Which, really, is a complement coming from me. I thought her song choice, though admittedly a very young song, was a bad idea. That's not really a song that can be reinterpreted, or so I thought. I'll play nicely and say the smooth jazz rearrangement and, er, interesting changes to the melody did not play in my living room. Also, don't play guitar if you're going to mix it so far down it's almost inaudible. Unfortunately, I think we're going to be stuck with her for a while. (Side note: who thought putting 3 Beatles songs in a row was a bright idea? Additional side note: I'm adding "You're only 16!" to the drinking game. It was an egregious omission, and I apologize). Oh, and before I forget - offering your child rewards, such as piercings, for success on a reality show may be a parenting strategy that should be reconsidered. And she looked like Siobhan dressed her. Oh snap!

9) Ashley Rodriguez

No Leona Lewis songs! That song is garbage!

Now that I got that out... I mostly agreed with Kara (what?) that the problem is despite her talent, she doesn't bring anything other than a good voice to the competition. Basically, she's boring as hell, but they always need a big-voiced diva, so they put a bunch through hoping one of them would stick. Anyway. Not a whole lot ot say about this performance.

8) Janell Wheeler

I still like Janell a lot because there is some appealing grit in her tone at times, and because she kind of seems like a lost puppy that I should adopt, but this was not the right song for her. At first I thought she was going to do the whole thing strictly acoustically, which would have been pretty neat, but alas, it was not to be. So, yeah, it wasn't awful or anything, but I think she'll fair much better taking on artists who aren't notorious for full-on rock wailing. Also, this girl has some serious legs! I'm totally jealous. What's your workout routine, Janell?

7) Katie Stevens

From the moment the girls lined up and I realized she was singing last I knew all my worst fears were confirmed - she is totally gonna be the Femchuleta. We will never get rid of this girl, I fear. Then they announced that she was singing "Feeling Good," by Michael Buble, which, just, no. It's not by Michael Buble. I'm sure they did that for the categories, but really the song is from a musical, so let's just give credit where credit is due, mmkay? Much to my chagrin, I actually really enjoyed the first verse of the song, but then the chorus hit and from that point it was totally overbaked, and basically I just don't need some jazz singing 17-year-old producer favorite contestant, so whatever.

6) Michelle Delamor

Michelle is the lucky winner of the belting diva sweepstakes, which simply means she is most likely to advance and take that spot in the Top 12, certainly not a bad deal if you can get it. Her cover of Alicia Keys demonstrated a very good voice, and also that nobody sounds as good as Alicia. That little a capella opening vocal riff just never sounds as good as when Alicia does it. Also, Michelle seemed intent on making me drink a lot, as she went for the glory note, sang a song that has been done to death, and was complemented on her looks. Maybe that's why I agreed with Kara's comments on her!

It was also at this point where I realized Simon has assumed Paula's role of commenting on everyone's outfits. What the hell is that about? Oh, and can we stop using euphemisms like "commercial look." We all know commercial look = conventionally pretty. Just come out and say it, I promise my plaid shirts and I won't be offended.

5) Siobhan Magnus

I just kind of like this girl, and I can't tell you why. She's kind of kooky, plus she's hard-core about her glassblowing. I don't know. Don't ask me to put my finger on it. She made some major improvements in the outfit department tonight though! I give her massive props for picking a song that isn't overdone or simply a glory note-fest, and also for stepping totally inside the song. She did seem to believe what she was singing like no one else did. I hope she sticks around, I want to see more from her.

Mini-rant: why does any female contestant under about 25 get chastised for singing songs that are too "dark?" Trust me, youth itself is not the same as sunshine and rainbows. As any one who knew me my sophomore year (either one, really, pick your poison) can attest, you can have some "dark" moments in your life before 25. Or 20.

4) Katelyn Epperly

Unfortunately, I think she's not going to last terribly long, because I don't think her personality is going to play with the American public, which is too bad, because I enjoyed her performance. I just flat out love that song, and I thought she did a nice job, although I agree with the judges on her looks. The make-over was not her best idea. Although in her interview package, she was rockin' the same hair as my old roommate Lindsey, which was pretty badass. But anyway, going back to judge idiocy - have any of them ever heard the original version of "Oh! Darling"? Because Paul McCartney is literally screaming in the chorus (consult Youtube if you don't believe me). So the criticism about her pushing her vocals just seemed bizarre to me, although I'm probably outside the target viewer here - I much prefer it when people strain their voices and attempt to do something cool and original then simply sing prettily along. So, if it's any consolation Katelyn, I got what you were trying to do. Oh, and Kara dropping a bitch on live television? Naughty! But sadly for poor Katelyn I think that's really just going to end up hurting her, so if you get voted out, totally call her a bitch on television!

3) Lilly Allen

I think it's safe to say she is skyrocketing up my list of favorite girls. I really enjoyed her interpretation of "Fixing A Hole," thought it was the only semi-original thing I heard all night, and always wonder about the judges' musical knowledge. I mean, yes, this isn't "Yesterday," but it is definitely a song they should be familiar with. Anyway. I hope they don't knock her for sticking to the kind of music she obviously enjoys and is good at singing, because unlike them, I don't think having an artistic identity is a bad thing. Also, I totally think Lilly would be the most fun out of all the girls to go get a drink with. That counts for something in my book.

Oh, and not to take away from her, but I know lots of people that could be considered to be "living out of their car," and will probably be counting myself among them in a few months. I'm not sure if this says more about me or her...

Lastly, I'm still mystified by her hair color, but I'm fairly confident it's close to the shade a unicorn would be. That is, if they existed (other than in Kara DioGuardi penned songs).

2) Bow-er-sox

I did think the Bowersox brought it tonight, and proved why she will be a serious contender this season. However. I don't love that song, and I didn't think she did anything super interesting with it, though I did love seeing the guitar/harmonica busted out this early in the competition. Also, not that I would expect anyone from Idol to know this, seeing as it would require actual musical knowledge, but they might want to avoid close-ups while harmonica playing is going on. I've seen some real spit-showers when people get going on those, and I'm guessing The Sox may not want a tight shot of her spraying the camera. Or, on the other hand, she might not give a shit. I do love the this-is-a-cheesy-TV-show-so-I'm-just-gonna-go-about-my-business-and-ignore-the-crap attitude. Watching group sings involving her and Lilly Scott should be immensely entertaining.

1) Didi Benami

Shocker, I know! It's not that I thought this was like the greatest thing I've ever seen, though I do respect her bold sartorial choice to snag a blanket from a hippie friend and turn it into a vest. During her performance, though, I did note that she sang on-pitch, had great stage presence and confidence, and actually picked a song that fit her, kind of like the judges had been criticizing every one else so not doing. Did she bring anything new to it? Not really, but she did an excellent job on a song that is contemporary and not overplayed. I had quite a few drinks due to confused disagreement with the judges on this performance. (I should mention this post is brought to you by the amazing Widmer Brothers Hefeweizen, the pride of Portland).

A couple of last thoughts: 1) I hated when they all walked toward the cameras and did the chicken dance style wave. Everyone looks like a fool when they wave like that. Why would you wave like that? 2) I hate when people use the word "ladies" in general (unless it's in the Demetri Martin sense), and thus I hated it when Ryan called it "ladies" night. The only time I was to hear some one use that term if it's $2-cougar-you-call-its. 3) I really liked Lilly's dress.

I think that's pretty much it. I apologize for any typos, I haven't re-read anything, but I will try and correct any errors tomorrow. Can't wait to hear what all of you think!

American Idol Drinking Game

And now, the most important post of the entire year, perhaps the sole reason to maintain your Idol viewing schedule when we sink into things like Mariah Carey theme week. Without further ado - the Official Rules & Regulations for Idol Drinking.

To begin with, you will want to secure your materials. The rules are written with beer in mind, so you may want to cut the number of drinks in half if you prefer wine or harder alcohol. Or don't, and have a really enjoyable Idol experience. It may make every performer sound better. Also, for those who may haven't played a drinking game recently, "drink" is equivalent to "sip."

(I should have mentioned, this post is also being brought to you by Diet Coke, which I've been chain-drinking all day, and the The National's "Alligator," which is also an amazing album, and which I'm also listening to on vinyl. See, AA, it's the coolest!)

Introduction

- Open your first beverage, and take a drink as Ryan declares "This..... is American Idol."

- 2 drinks if Randy is wearing a shirt with sparkly writing on the front

- 2 drinks if Kara is wearing something utterly ridiculous

- 1 drink if Simon's wearing white, 2 drinks for black, 3 drinks for grey

Performances

- 2 drinks if the performer is singing something you know you've heard on Idol before

- 5 drinks if the performer is singing a song that has been performed so much on this show you want to gnash your teeth together and throw your drink at the screen. Examples: Against All Odds (Take A Look At Me Now), I Have Nothing, Piece of My Heart, Alone. You'll know it when you hear it. Also, Against All Odds is at least twice as annoying for having the parenthetical subscript. Phil Collins, you jerk.

- 3 drinks if the performer is wearing a flower in their hair/a tie (this is NOT gender specific)

- 1 drinks for each instance of performer making cheesy seductive eyes at the camera (double this is said expression makes you visibly uncomfortable).

- 1 drink for each over-exuberant hand gesture (a la Archuleta)

- 2 drinks if they are performing with an instrument

- 3 drinks if they make an excursion into the audience/the "rocker" stage behind the judges

- 3 drinks if they end on a melismatic Idol Glory Note (tm)

- 5 drinks if they forget their words

Judging

- 1 drink if a Kara (or Ellen) fills the ceremonial Paula Abdul role and tells a contestant they look beauitful/handsome

- 1 drink PER each of the following Randy-isms: "dawg" "pitchy" "for me, for you" "it was just aight" or any imaginary number "a kabillion percent!"

- 2 drinks if Kara pounds on the table while critiquing a contestant

- 2 drinks if Simon pulls out any of the patented lounge/karaoke/cruise ship metaphors

- 1 drink PER time you have no idea what a judge is talking about

- 3 drinks if you find yourself missing Paula

- 5 drinks if Simon tells a contestant that they were either unequivocally excellent, or horrible. Again, you'll know it if you see it. No modifiers or softening.

And finally...

- If Simon uses any varietal of the "you could/might/will win this thing," shots for everyone!

As the season progresses, I'll adjust the rules as necessary. Who even knows what fun sub-rules Ellen could bring to the show!

In the meantime, I'm heading to the Teeter-Totter for a six-pack of something cold to enable my own participation in my game. Since this is the official start of the season, and since I've exhausted myself blogging my little fingers to the bone, I might have to procure something tasty, courtesy of Kevin & Sue. Thanks, guys!

Top 12 Girls Preview

Sorry for my absence - I was really just holding out for my first comment (which I finally received!), and now that my ego has been properly satiated, I can move forward with my commentary duties. Well, actually, I was just kind of wrapped up in an Olympics/live music haze. Just last week I managed to see Brandi Carlile, Jeff the Brotherhood, Screaming Females, Surfer Blood, Laura Veirs, and all were excellent! This will also give me an extra dose of scorn with which to critique our Idol wannabees tonight, so really, every one benefits. I will also make a solemn vow, right now, that I will post a review of tonight's performances before the clock strikes midnight.

So, to review last week's performances/preview what is happening tonight most effectively, I'm going to rank the female contestants so far by my personal preference, because, really, what else matters? I should also mention that copious research went into preparing this, as I not only went back and reviewed lots of video clips of performances, I went and read all the contestants (almost painfully) boring bios on the official website. Speaking of which, the Idol website was more pimped out than a NASCAR car (Is that redundant? I don't know what NASCAR stands for and don't care enough to look it up, so oh well). I mean, to the point where they were making me watch 30 second commercials clicking between web pages. So don't be surprised if the contestants have VitaminWater logos projected onto their foreheads as they perform tonight. And, in that spirit of things, I feel compelled to mention that this blog is being brought to you by the combined forces of Diet Coke and the Gossip's excellent 2004 album, Movement (which I'm listening to on VINYL, AA).

So, from worst to first:

12) Haeley Vaughn

In what I'm sure is surprising to no one, I simply don't see what is appealing about this girl, other than her sparkly personality, if you're into that sort of thing. A sparkly personality on Idol, however, usually results in a contestant that sticks around far too long. I know they seem to be looking for the next Taylor Swift, but we've already got the one, and a pale imitation is not what I wish to see. Especially when every performance I've seen so far has been breathy, off-key, and surrounded by ham-handed guitar playing.

11) Paige Miles

Well, Paige, I honestly have no idea who you are, and I hope for your sake that you pull off a killer performance tonight, because the producers have shackled you with a huge disadvantage. If only you were 16.

10) Michelle Delamar

Really, same as Paige. I couldn't pick this girl out of a line-up. Best of luck!

9) Ashley Rodriguez

Hey, I recognize this girl! To be honest, she has a great voice and excellent control of it, which should come as no surprise, considering she just completed a degree in voice at the Berklee School of Music. Impressive! It seems, from what I've seen so far, that she tends to being a R&B belter, which isn't my favorite form of Idol contestant, and also seems to have hewn pretty close to the original version of each song she has performed, which in my opinion isn't very exciting. I certainly expect plenty of photogenic moments and competent singing from her, though.

8) Katie Stevens

Yes, I am still applying the 16-year-old contestant handicap, as well as the fact that she seems to sing the same general style as the 3 contestants I've ranked slightly lower than her. I must admit to being impressed by her tone and composure. No more backstory though. No more!

7) Siobhan Magnus

First of all, what in the name of holy fuck-all was this girl wearing at absolutely any point of Hollywood week? A lace top and what appears to be an apron for her first performance? A tight satin... nightgown (?), leg warmers, a jean jacket and a fluffy white flower? What the what, as Liz Lemon would say. Not to mention the fact that Ellen told her to "lighten up," and Idol followed with a Ryan Seacrest voice-over claiming she did exactly that as we hear her singing Stevie Wonder's "Living For the City." Um, Ryan, you know that's a song about not having any thing and managing to just get by, right? Ok, great, just checking. With that addressed, I can say I thought most of her version displayed a good voice, although she totally overcooked that last note. Bottom line: though her chances of doing something utterly ridiculous (and possibly disastrous) are probably higher than almost any one else's, a little piece of me can't help but pull for the underdog, particularly one that might come out wearing literally anything every week. If nothing else, that can be my entertainment!

6) Didi Benami

I never thought there would be a day that Idol could user on a contestant that made Brooke White look emotionally stable, but behold! The day has arrived! The fact that Didi has literally collapsed into tears at each and every point of this process is a cause for concern, seeing as how Idol seems to amplify each contestant's nerves and emotions to the breaking point anyway. Also cause for concern - she seems to like Kara DioGuardi, even requesting to be able to give her a hug. And, I spent most of the time while she was hugging Kara trying to determine if she was really an actual jean skirt, or a faux-jean skirt, or if there is even such a thing as a faux-jean skirt. I still don't even know! So, we have lots of red flags. But, she has displayed a good voice up to this point, and seems to fit the singer-songwriter female contestant mold the judges are favoring this year.

5) Janell Wheeler

To be honest, I have a hard time differentiating between her and Didi Benami, with the main difference, from what I can determine, being that Janell cries 50% less, but is also 50% less polished. She started off strong, and her audition, and especially her rendition of "American Boy" were highlights for me. Unfortunately she followed that up with a rendition of Taylor Swift that was absolutely heinous. Why does everyone sound like ass when they sing Taylor Swift? I was glad she made it through, though, and I'm hoping she can tend more toward the earlier moments of her Hollywood Week experience.

4) Katelyn Epperly

Ooh, a controversial choice! That's why I get paid the big bucks, kids, to make tough calls like these. To be honest, as I mentioned last time (and sorry about not being able to remember your name then, Katelyn), I've found something striking about her voice ever since she auditioned in Chicago. Although her subsequent performances were not necessarily stellar, they all displayed a rich tone and a talent for original and interesting phrasing that I found quite appealing. With that said, she does need to find some way of increasing her interest in the songs, as her performances were all sort of stiff and lifeless. I think it was her online bio, however, that really won me over. She lists The Yeah Yeah Yeahs (!), Wilco (!!!), and Jack White (I love Jack White!!!!!!!!!) as influences, which if nothing else means she is the one contestant who actually listens to the same music as I do. Maybe the first contestant ever, actually. Which is why I'm declaring that is Katelyn Epperly makes some badass indie rock song selection at some point in this competition, I will wholeheartedly support you. I mean, probably not with my votes. But definitely some positive brainwaves.

Oh, but for the love of all that is holy, please stop talking about your parents' divorce. I know it must be hard, but NO MORE BACKSTORIES, period.

3) Lilly Scott

Though we didn't see a ton from her, I think she could definitely be a contestant I will really enjoy. She made unique songs choices, interpreted them in a thoughtful and original manner, and also seems to possess good musical taste and a modicum of creativity. Also, I'm absolutely fascinated by her hair. Is it blonde? White? Silver? Platinum? I don't know! Dear America, please allow her to stay around long enough for me to determine what color her hair is.

I have to say, though, as much as I enjoy contestants like her, it always puzzles me when they show up on this show. Even when the singer-songwriter types go far (a la Kris Allen, Brooke White, etc), they typically are relatively clean-cut, sweetheart types, not the quirky indie types like Lilly. Oh well. I suppose we shall see.

2) Lacey Brown

Again, in the interest of complete honesty, this is based off of one performance - her amazing take on "What A Wonderful World," played during the making it into the semi-finals videos. I was absolutely stunned by it, and hope she can pull of something equally gorgeous in the contest. The downside? The American Idol band (motto: We can make anything sound like elevator music!) will totally eviscerate her nuanced performances if she let's them. Oh, American Idol band. Did any one else think they displayed previously unseen levels of Smooth Jazz interpretation as the contestants did their final solo performances? After the umpteenth performance of bubbly I was checking my living room to make sure I wasn't actually in the waiting room at the dentist.

*(Musical sub-note: Katie is currently playing a song that actually includes the lyric "We're about John Wayne, Johnny Cash, and John Deere/Way out here/Our houses are all protected by the good lord and a gun/and you might meet them both if you show up here not welcome, son." Nashville gives me heart palpitations.)

1) Crystal Bowersox

Bow-er-sox! Bow-er-sox! As I'm sure everyone could have guessed, she is my favorite enterting the actual competition phase of this show. I could go on, but basically I just like her voice, her phrasing, her ability to play multiple instruments (and play them well, unlike many of the contestants), her take-no-shit attitude, and her interest in "real music." In other words, I don't think she's going to be covering Leona Lewis, for which I am eternally grateful. On the bad side: America (in the form of the American Idol viewing audience) seems to hate people who are different, so I'm concerned about her (semi-)dreadlocked, tattooed, pierced self becoming derailed by that. Stick it to the man, Crystal!

Last thought: What the hell were Randy and Kara wearing the other night? Kara's tight tube dress with the side ruffles in gold lamme? Randy's diamond-studded pants? What, was Siobhan in charge of dressing them? (Ooooh, sick burn).

So now that I know the comments work, who do you guys love? Who do you hate? What are the odds that Siobhan wears a feathered-headress tonight? Can you tell Paige Miles and Michelle Delamar apart?

Ehhh, I Didn't Miss Much...

So, to my great chagrin, I was unable to catch tonight's episode of American Idol live, due to a prior obligation, also known as my business ethics class. I strongly considered bypassing said class to provide the blogging duties I know everyone is depending on, despite your lack of commenting, but then I would have to live a life bereft of any ethics or sense of moral obligation, so, alas, I went to class. Also, we had a term paper due. I wrote all 7 glorious pages of it in slightly over an hour. I don't think that's unethical, merely unwise. Not to worry, however, I quoted Ben Franklin, so an A is all but assured.

Anyway. The point of all that was to explain that my viewing of American Idol tonight took place mainly over uploaded Youtube videos as I do not have DVR, because Comcast is an evil empire that demanded I give them too much money for such services. A pox upon their house. I think I saw most everything, but there's no telling. Let me know if I missed something, but from the videos I saw, I didn't feel I missed much. People got in groups, they fought with each other, they forgot lyrics, they arranged awful choreography, Ryan Seacrest always does creepy voiceovers in corners... pretty pro forma group round. There wasn't a single performance that made me sit up and take note. Nothing like that White Chocolate group last year. That was cool.

So, recap. Well, some group of girls sang "Irreplaceable." They were pretty good, though if those count as harmonies, I need to go get my ears recalibrated. Pretty shaky. That Ashley girl from the Boston auditions who looks like Jordin Sparks is back. I sense we'll see more of her. I'm not sure if that's a good thing yet.

Then another group went with some Motown (thumbs up), but sang "Get Ready" terribly (thumbs down). I still think Michael Lynch looks crazy big on stage. Also, you know that dude's going far. They sent a freakin' camera crew to his child's birth. Lots of early camera exposure = free pass through the first two weeks of semi-finals, even if you come on stage and snort like a mule. Oh yeah, and Tim Urban still doesn't sound good when he sings. Also, naming your group Team Awesome is atrocious.

All the "Bad Romance" drama and posturing was a waste of time, especially considering neither group sounded good.

Whoever sang Styx was also not good. I'm going to agree with Simon, who told this group that learning to sing a song in 12 hours does not equate going through a lot. Although, if this equals an epic struggle in Idol land, it goes a long way toward explaining why everyone has "been through so much" in their lives. In that case, so have I. Hell, in that case, I've been through a lot today!

The group singing "Closer" with shirtless guy (Casey James I think?) and one of the guitar blondes was one of the better groups, though those harmonies were also a little spotty. Everyone in that group seems likely to be heard from again though.

The group that had Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens and other expendable people receives an automatic 4 demerits for calling themselves Three Men and a Baby. The vaguely uncomfortable sensation this created completely unsettled the pizza cookie Mark forced me to buy and subsequently consume via phone peer pressure. Also, I'm almost certain Andrew Garcia and Katie Stevens will prove to be the two anointed ones this season, aka the contestants the producers have already decided should make it to the very end. How do I know? Well, there are the subtle clues, like the fact that Andrew has been on the screen for the maximum possible time the producers could squeeze him in. I'm surprised they didn't air his audition twice. And I have visions of them dragging him around Hollywood Week, trying to ensure he appears in the background of as many shots as possible. To determine Katie was a frontrunner I had to dig a little deeper, such as listening to Kara declare she could win the whole damn thing. Well hell Kara, gives her some P.O.S. song about unicorns and rainbows and we can just go home already! Problem solved. They should hire me. Anyway. I hate being a follower, so let me be the one who first posits the fact that we may all have to jump on the Andrew & Katie backlash bandwagon around spring break time. Early bird special on tickets now!

Oh yeah, at least their singing was good. More than could be said for the group that sang Fleetwood Mac's "Dreams." Incidentally, there appears to have been a recent rash of musical hate crimes perpetuated against Stevie Nicks and harmonizing, as this group joined Taylor Swift (Grammys Edition) in launching their best blow against Stevie's contributions to the Fleetwood Mac catalogue. Let Stevie be, people! That whole performance was heinous.

So, this round was pretty pointless, in my opinion. They barely cut anyone, leading me to believe this was mainly an excuse to conjure up some drama for the cameras. Apparently this was a failure, as nothing that interesting appeared on my TV (or Youtube videos, same thing). Where was my dread-head friend Crystal Bowersox, though? And whatever happened to that blonde girl I liked from Chicago? I think she had some backstory that I found awkward, though that won't help anyone differentiate her, I know... perhaps she was from the Des Moines area? One of my many adopted places of residence, so I should probably support her.

Last but not least, does any one else find the occupations each contestant lists to oftentimes be the most amusing part of the show? I mean, today one person was a telecommunications college student. What is that? I mean, that's less academic sounding than my major, and I'm music business. Or the kid who had "recent high school graduate." This was filmed in January, dude! You graduated approximately 8 months ago! The sandwich maker is still my favorite though. You go, sandwich maker.

Well, that's it for this week. But next Tuesday we have 2 full hours. Yikes. And then the chair episode, which I quite happily will get to miss to go reflect on my business ethics. In the meantime, I would love to hear someone else's opinions, as well, to entertain me in my f*cking freezing apartment. Do I have to censor myself on my own blog? Hmmm...

And so it begins...

Oh, American Idol Hollywood Week. A time that features (usually) quick dismissals of the talentless, a chance to start to get to "know" the contestants, and the hope that this season may be filled with lots of actual talent. After this evening, I'm bordering on the optimistic. Of course, I know at least a few of the hopefuls tonight will turn in some head-scratchingly awful performances as the season goes on (it's inevitable), but let's not ruin all the fun and hope right now.

To save some time, I will get straight to the point, and say that I thought all the people who were cut deserved to be. With that said - Vanessa Wolfe, the straight up country girl from Tennessee, almost broke my icicle encrusted heart when she was cut. You knew with her lack of experience and polish that this simply wasn't going to happen for her, but I found the double whammy of her "This was my one chance to get out" and "I blew it. Sorry Mom." comments to be far more affecting than any sob story video package I've been subjected to this year. Sorry, Vanessa, but good luck - surely you can find another way out. You didn't want to sell your soul to 19 Entertainment anyway.

So, to the people who most likely will be gracing our TV screens until the annual confetti shower in late May, conveniently grouped as per my (highly credible) opinion:

Yeah, if you make it through I'm probably going to be really annoyed with you every week:

- Haeley Vaughn, who appears to be planning to fulfill every tween girl's dream by being the next Taylor Swift. In fact, she sang a Taylor Swift song, and played a T3 (a type of guitar favored by, surprise, Taylor Swift)! Unfortunately, though probably a better vocalist than T. Swift, she suffered from similar moments of pitchiness, which were completely overlooked by the judges, who commented on her charisma and such. Then she followed it up by emitting a tiny giggle at the end of her performance, assuring me she will be the annoying sort of teenaged contestant. Warning flags, all around.

- I also didn't much care for Tim Urban, who was whiny and off-pitch. Sorry Kara, he's not gonna cut it.

Your judgment is highly dubious, but your singing is intriguing enough I may forgive you:

- Katie Stevens, someone who managed to be 17 and not annoying, performing a tricky Stevie Wonder song with verve, confidence, and a rich vocal tone. Frankly, if she was 3 years older I wouldn't have put her in this category, but teens with backstories are automatically flagged in my Idol Security System (as per the pet peeves post yesterday).

- Mike Lynche, who's wife is currently having their first child while he's auditioning in Hollywood, and who, if successful, will spend the first 8 months of his child's life away from said child. Now, this doesn't really personally bother me - his life is his business - but it was enough for a head shake and chuckle. His version of John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change" was quite good, and that acoustic guitar looked absolutely miniscule in his hands. But Mike, you better hope this Idol thing works out pretty well for you, or you just handed your eldest some powerful material for therapy sessions about 20 years from now.

- Casey James, aka the boy who took his shirt off in the auditions to Kara's great pleasure. Which is my primary problem with said gentleman - if a female contestant had acted in a similar manner it would be considered, hmm, what's the word? Oh yes. Slutty. But, in this case abandoning all sense of standards may be his gift to all of us! (I never thought I would type that sentence). His bluesy singing and nimble guitar playing impressed me a lot, and I would definitely be interested in hearing more.

- Didi Benami, who went to the ultimate kiss-ass maneuver and decided to audition with a song Kara wrote. Lame, Didi, quite lame, particularly because this song has some line about rainbows, at which point my brain overloaded and I could not comprehend another lyric. But, despite this egregious brown-nosing, Didi actually displayed some competent guitar playing and a very good voice, meaning she has a chance to pull herself out of the hole she dug with me. One more Kara DioGuardi penned number, however, and she ain't coming out.

People I like, though I reserved the right to retract that in two weeks and declare them the most aggravating contestant since Taylor Hicks:

- Andrew Garcia, who's re-arrangement of Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" I found quite good, and who has a very good voice as well. I get this sense, though, that he is the producer's chosen male contestant for this season, and that always makes me a little nervous. I hate when the producers determine what contestants should make the finale for me.

- Janell Wheeler, who also had a very cool re-arrangement, taking Estelle's R&B "American Boy" and turning it into a singer-songwriter song. I liked her voice, and smirked at hearing her "Don't like his baggy jeans, but I might like what's underneath." It appears that lyrics that may cause the grandmas to grab their remotes in horror are a better way to earn my affection than lyrics about rainbows. Although that should probably have been obvious.

- Lilly Scott, who has a hell of a lot of self-confidence for a 20-year-old sandwich maker, and whose arrangement of an Ella Fitzgerald song displayed some good, unique vocal chops.

And, finally, probably my favorite, Crystal Bowersox, who has two things going for her beyond her powerful voice. First, she has a badass name. Second, she appears to be currently growing out dreadlocks, in a manner that is quite tasteful. This refers back to my Christina Aguilera theory: I've always said, no matter what, I will respect Christina Aguilera, because she managed to emerge from an ass-less chaps phase with more than a modicum of class and dignity. Like growing out dreadlocks, this is no easy feat. So for that alone, Ms. Bowersox, you have my respect. Also, she made me sit up and listen to a song I've heard approximately 7 bazillion times (to use a Randy-esque) number.

So, parting thoughts:

1) The producers/judges/etc have apparently decided that acoustic guitar playing blondes are what America needs, and so it shall be! It should be interesting to see which ones make it through, and if I can tell them all apart.

2) I thought the segments of Ellen's judging we saw today were insightful and coherent, which makes me hopeful that we may reach 50% usefulness on the judging panel this year. Oh, dreams.

3) Tomorrow is the group rounds, and if they spend all their time showing people crying in the hallways, Season 9 will quickly cause me to lose all the happy optimism I have displayed tonight.

It's that time of year again...

Time to procrastinate, that is. Idol Season 9 is actually beginning in earnest tonight. It is both the beginning of Hollywood Week (which happily signals the end of the endless and annoying audition episodes), and the night before I have a paper due, which is the number one way to inspire myself to do anything and everything besides said paper, such as blogging. So, I intend to watch tonight's episode with a discerning eye and report back with my inaugural performance reviews.

So, to get ready for the commencement of the season, I'm preparing this handy list of my American Idol pet peeves, so no one can claim surprise when I engage in a multi-paragraph rant against the offenders in the upcoming months.

5. Randy and Kara

This really doesn't need explanation - I'm not sure there has been a single documented instance of either member of this terrible two-some saying something interesting, let alone remotely useful. However, I cannot rate them higher on my list of pet peeves, because their strangly incoherent and repetitive judging is a crucial component of my patented American Idol drinking game (to be employed for live performance shows only, folks).

4. Stammering Teenaged Contestants

Am I a cynical curmudgeon? Well, probably. But every year, without fail, the judges decide for some unimaginable reason that what the show really needs is a couple blonde-haired, blue-eyed, baby-faced youngsters who think Boyz II Men counts as retro soul music to join the crowd of contestants. And, to top it all off, there is always a gaggle of 13-year-olds in the audience who squeal with delight as said teenage contestant giggles inarticulately through the awkward pre-performance interview. Yuck. Bottom line - if the judges' main compliment of your performance is "And you're only 16," chances are high I will not be a fan.

3. The "Hey, I Hit That One Really Song High Note So Vote For Me!" Contestant

I don't care if you hit that one last great note - the 90 seconds before that were completely off-key, you forgot two lines of lyrics, and tried to get the crowd to clap along as you cheesily grinned your way through a ballad about losing the love of your life. Yes, the judges will likely give you 3 gold stars and compliment your outfit (wait - does not more Paula mean no more fashion critiques? !!!), but I am not amused.

2. Bad Song Selection

To be fair, I probably impose far harsher judgments on song selection than almost any one else, but there is no faster way to earn my ire than to sing some overdone, melismatic, trite rendition of some tune by Celine Dion or Phil Collins. Even the hackneyed Brian Adams ballads thoroughly aggravate me. So please, contestants, I beg you, take the time to choose something that hasn't been done a million time before, and isn't just a bad song in it's own right. Thanks.

*Ignorance is not an excuse. I don't care if your parents raised you in a cultural vacuum where they only played Bryan Adams on 8-track for your entire childhood. If you want to be a musician, you should probably have attempted to learn a little something about music along the way.

1. My Life Has Been Sad (cue Video Montage)*

Listen up, contestants. I know past seasons of American Idol have increasingly led you to believe that the best, perhaps even only, way to attract attention to your delicate hopes and dreams is to immediately blurt out the tales of hardship that have occurred in your life. But here's the problem. If it's the kind of deeply personal story that would be awkward to tell at, say, a first date or cocktail party, it's infinitely more awkward to share with 30 million strangers. Yes, we might feel bad, but we also feel uncomfortable. And then every subsequent time you bring it up, it appears you are trying to use your personal misfortune to advance your status on the show, and that is extra unpleasant for us at home. So before you go sneak your mostly senile Great Aunt Ethel out of her retirement home again to parade her in front of the camera and tearfully declare that you are doing this all for her, please reconsider. There is a fine line between telling the audience a little about yourself and being an attention whore.

*Danny Gokey is the all-time most egregious offender of this. Danny Gokey, you have a secure place in my Annoying Contestant Hall of Fame. Fear not.

Happy Season 9 everyone!