On The Other Hand

I thought the girls did a quite pleasant job tonight, so I will actually take the brave step of ranking them. Here goes...

10) Haeley Vaughn

She chose a Miley Cyrus song. Nothing else matters. Automatic last place.

9) Lacey Brown

I hate this song, and I hated this performance of it. Randy was right (What? I haven't even been drinking!), this was total girls night out karaoke. It's so strange to me that the performances that got her here were exceptionally nuanced, and now she's decided she needs to sing "bigger" than that. Go figure. I think she'll go home tomorrow, considering I had to look up the performance order to remember she performed at all.

8) Michelle Delamor

I have to give her some props, because her Creed song made a better soul song than I would have imagined, although it was very strange, because it sounded like the band was still playing the crappy butt-rock version, while she was trying to sing a soul version. I also felt like it showed her voice isn't actually as big as she would like it to be. So, on the down side, I didn't think the vocal was amazing. Also, she picked Creed. All this horrible active rock sends a shiver down my spine.

7) Katie Stevens

She bores the snot out of me. She sounded fine. Bad high note. A lot like the originkhjjkhjgjg whoops, I was falling asleep at the keyboard just thinking about it. Moving on.

6) Didi Benami

I'll give her some props, because she actually displayed more vocal range than I thought she had, and the judges were a little too harsh, but it just wasn't the best arrangement. She could be in some trouble tomorrow because she was kind of forgettable, and most of the other girls she shares a similar style with performed far better tonight. Hopefully she can avoid falling through the cracks, and the terrible two will go home.

5) Paige Miles

It was pretty much just exactly what Kelly Clarkson does with this song, but not quite as good. Also, people smiling in songs when the lyrics are definitely not a smiling matter is a huge pet peeve of mine. But, she sang well tonight and does have a good voice. I just think she'll lack originality later on, but will probably get the obligatory Top 10 soul singer spot (unless my girl Siobhan takes it).

Speaking of...

4) Siobhan Magnus

If these rankings were for personality, Siobhan would be number 1 on my list by so much we could just end the season now. I laugh every time this girl appears in front of a camera. Her explanation of giving herself a mohawk? Amazing! Her response to Simon's "you are a strange person" comment? Priceless. The fact that she was apparently wearing a rag from a car wash as her headband? Take that, Haeley Vaughn! Siobhan designs badass headbands too!

But for all her hilarious and quirky quips, she sets all of that aside when she takes the stake. She just seems to be completely confident up there, and just owns her performance. Now, I couldn't put her on the top, because there were definitely a few notes off in her performance, and because, really, no one but Aretha can do Aretha justice. But I'm still pulling for our little glassblower to do well.

3) Katelyn Epperly

So, I'm going to take a few moments here to give myself some mad props, because way back in the way back I said I liked this girl, and I continued saying it even when the judges took it upon themselves to shat all over her performances last week/during Hollywood, and she's totally backed it up with two really good performances in a row. And, mad props because I am not a Coldplay fan, and I totally dug this performance. Yes, it was slow, but unlike so many of the other performances this season, I was engaged the whole time. I didn't want to take my eyes away from the screen while she was performing, unlike last night, when I kept finding myself inadvertently pushing back my cuticles while someone was performing. And damned if I can find those pitch problems Randy was talking about. This girl has an amazing voice and great control of it.

The one thing I did totally agree with was Simon's comment - girlfriend spends way too much time staring into the camera. She just needs to perform the songs and not worry about the cameras. I think ultimately she has the potential to go really far, though - she's got a great voice and a "commercial look" aka she's smokin' hot. Although that off-kilter shirt was kind of freaking me out. I just wanted to reach out and straighten it out.

2) Bow-er-sox

Well, this was actually probably the best performance. But this is my blog and I can do what I want. She obviously has a great voice, great control of it, a pitch-perfect performance, etc, etc, she's great, the judges love her, they really should just advance her to the finale now. I agree with all of these things. She is awesome. But I kind of expect that for her. Her challenge will be to continue surprising and impressing when people have such high expectations for her. But no complaints about this performance. It was amazing, and a great way to start the night.

1) And I Shall Dub Thee 'Feather'

Ok, I am officially disbursing 10,000 cool points for the fact that Lilly wore one single enormous feather earring. Because, I mean, why not? That is awesome. Also, she plays the melodica and the moog. That is awesome. I will put aside all of my holier-than-thou over-educated counter-culture snobbery and deign to vote for this silly reality show competition if, and only if, she busts out the Moog for a performance.*

But, really, I thought her arrangement of this song was cool and original, I thought her singing was great, and I appreciated the fact that she understands that a singer doesn't have to be belting to be good. I enjoyed the fact she was still conveying emotion and meaning in some of the subtler moments. And she was playing lots of barre chords on a 12-string guitar, which is not easy to do. Not to mention those things are a total bitch to tune. So, basically I thought this performance was an exemplary display of badassery. Mad props.

* I reserve the right to make other declarations of absurd things contestants can do to earn a vote from me

Last couple thoughts:

- A two hours show is way too long for 10 singers. When there's time to force awkward judge banter and thank the band, even though there's been 734 commercials, there's too much time. Shorten, please.

- Whilst writing this post one of my couch cushions became dislodged and I have been apparently just been sitting on the springs/fold-up mattress for the past 45+ minutes. The fact that it took me that long to notice this, is, I think, the most telling explanation of how hideously uncomfortable this couch is.

- Predictions for going home tomorrow: Jeremiah & John for the boys, Lacey & Haeley for the girls. I think Michelle, Didi, and every one of the boys should also be nervous. Though as last week has demonstrated, I'm not that good at this prediction game, though I believe selecting all of the guys as potential eliminees greatly improves my chances for this week.

- Mark promised me he would comment on this post. If he does not, we must all shun him.

That is all

Whew

Well I'm infinitely happier about wasting a couple hours of my time every week watching this show knowing that tonight was significantly better than last night. As you may have noted from my absence in posting earlier today, yesterday was so unspeakably awful I couldn't compel myself to write anything about it. Alas, my journalistic resposbility compels me to say something about it. So, to make the boys brief and to the point... they all sucked. They all sucked ass. Let me elaborate.

Big Mike sucked because he was by far the best of the night, simply by singing the proper notes and adding a little verve to his performance. Let's set the bar low, mmkay?

John Park sucked because he picked a John Mayer song, and then had to make it worse by picking an especially bland John Mayer song (redundant, I know), and then had to make that worse by singing it without any energy or correct notes.

Casey James sucked because he picked that dumb Gavin DeGraw song that I've heard 70 bajillion times (tm Randy Jackson), and sounded way worse on it than Gavin and the cadre of past Idol contestants who have annoyed me by choosing it. Then he had to top it all off with some gratuitous (and not that great) guitar playing. Apparently he didn't get the memo that you still have to sing well, even if you're playing guitar. I'll admit, I'm extra bitter because I had to go back and watch this again, because I was so befuddled about his amp set-up the first time I wasn't even listening to the singing. I don't know how he was controlling the wah, but it didn't appear to be with the pedal, and there was definitely a micro-amp that was not present on stage. I know no one else cares but this deepens my suspicions and confirms to me that he's up to no good. Sorry, my dear cougar readers, I do not understand this gent. I may just start typing "Cougar you-call-its!" in place on comments about his performances.

Alex Lambert sucked because he was probably second best of this night, even though he appears so terrified during his performances one could reasonably surmise that the person holding the camera is also menacingly wielding a chainsaw. Also, he has a faux-mullet. That may be worse than an actual mullet. If you're gonna do it, have some balls.

Todrick Hall sucked because he brought us a hideous smoove jazz interpretation of Tina Turner, and filled it with unnecessary vocal runs.

Jermaine Sellers sucked because he is the sonic equivalent of cotton candy ice cream topped with sprinkles. There's too much crap going on! But then when you sort it out you realize all of the ingredients are still awful on their own. But, he does have an advantage... he has the big guy in the sky voting for him. I wonder if Jesus has AT&T though? According to Katie the ability to text in votes is much more efficient than calling. I hope Jermaine has consulted with Jesus about this.

Andrew Garcia sucked because he took a limp, boring James Morrison song and made it significantly more boring, and was singing wrong notes all over the place. Regression, anyone?

Aaron Kelly sucked because he turned this song into a total theme park cheese-fest, adding runs and melisma and heaping piles of vibrato and all of it added up to simply pain my ears. That is my very least favorite type of singing. I would be infinitely happier if someone were literally just screaming at me. At least it would be real.

Tim Urban sucked, just like he did last week, and Hollywood week, and... well, yeah like everytime we've seen him! He can't sing on pitch. Please go home.

Lee DeWyze sucked by choosing that Hinder song that I could happily never hear again for the rest of my life. It reminds me of the dorm bathrooms my freshman year of college. The Friley bathrooms weren't bad, but it's not really a place I need to be transported back to. Also, bands like Hinder, and Creed, and Nickelback (gag) are possibly my least favorite form of rock music. And I thought he sounded nasally. For me for him, it was just not good.

I didn't even try to rank this mess, because, really, would it even be possible? That's like asking someone what kind of dog shit they'd like to step on. Does it really matter? You're just pissed that you stepped in dog shit, and now you have to go waste your time cleaning it off your shoes. That's how I felt about last night.

Tuesday Already?

This past week disappeared in a blur.... a blur of convocations that is. The past week of my life was wasted (yes, wasted) "learning" about incredibly useless topics and seeing how discreetly I could play Scrabble on my iPod. Fairly discreetly, it turns out. But alas, I only have 2 more convocations left in which to exercise my newly honed secret Scrabble skills. WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway. So apparently there is some singing TV show on tonight? And it appears that the male contestants are supposed to perform tonight? What the fuck is up with that? Bad singing is supposed to take place during my ethics class, damn it. And I don't think my restraining order against shirtless boy's faux-seductive stare has come through yet, so double damn it. Hopefully this is all a big mix-up, or my convo-crossed eyes have lost the ability to read effectively.

So what can we expect from the men tonight? Probably another big steaming pile of crap. I will vow to return from the record store (where there will be free beer. FREE BEER!) in time to snarkily recap everyone's (likely) failings. Please let there be no Rascal Flatts, no Bryan Adams, no Fall Out Boy, no One Republic, etc, etc, etc. Fingers crossed.