Whew

Well I'm infinitely happier about wasting a couple hours of my time every week watching this show knowing that tonight was significantly better than last night. As you may have noted from my absence in posting earlier today, yesterday was so unspeakably awful I couldn't compel myself to write anything about it. Alas, my journalistic resposbility compels me to say something about it. So, to make the boys brief and to the point... they all sucked. They all sucked ass. Let me elaborate.

Big Mike sucked because he was by far the best of the night, simply by singing the proper notes and adding a little verve to his performance. Let's set the bar low, mmkay?

John Park sucked because he picked a John Mayer song, and then had to make it worse by picking an especially bland John Mayer song (redundant, I know), and then had to make that worse by singing it without any energy or correct notes.

Casey James sucked because he picked that dumb Gavin DeGraw song that I've heard 70 bajillion times (tm Randy Jackson), and sounded way worse on it than Gavin and the cadre of past Idol contestants who have annoyed me by choosing it. Then he had to top it all off with some gratuitous (and not that great) guitar playing. Apparently he didn't get the memo that you still have to sing well, even if you're playing guitar. I'll admit, I'm extra bitter because I had to go back and watch this again, because I was so befuddled about his amp set-up the first time I wasn't even listening to the singing. I don't know how he was controlling the wah, but it didn't appear to be with the pedal, and there was definitely a micro-amp that was not present on stage. I know no one else cares but this deepens my suspicions and confirms to me that he's up to no good. Sorry, my dear cougar readers, I do not understand this gent. I may just start typing "Cougar you-call-its!" in place on comments about his performances.

Alex Lambert sucked because he was probably second best of this night, even though he appears so terrified during his performances one could reasonably surmise that the person holding the camera is also menacingly wielding a chainsaw. Also, he has a faux-mullet. That may be worse than an actual mullet. If you're gonna do it, have some balls.

Todrick Hall sucked because he brought us a hideous smoove jazz interpretation of Tina Turner, and filled it with unnecessary vocal runs.

Jermaine Sellers sucked because he is the sonic equivalent of cotton candy ice cream topped with sprinkles. There's too much crap going on! But then when you sort it out you realize all of the ingredients are still awful on their own. But, he does have an advantage... he has the big guy in the sky voting for him. I wonder if Jesus has AT&T though? According to Katie the ability to text in votes is much more efficient than calling. I hope Jermaine has consulted with Jesus about this.

Andrew Garcia sucked because he took a limp, boring James Morrison song and made it significantly more boring, and was singing wrong notes all over the place. Regression, anyone?

Aaron Kelly sucked because he turned this song into a total theme park cheese-fest, adding runs and melisma and heaping piles of vibrato and all of it added up to simply pain my ears. That is my very least favorite type of singing. I would be infinitely happier if someone were literally just screaming at me. At least it would be real.

Tim Urban sucked, just like he did last week, and Hollywood week, and... well, yeah like everytime we've seen him! He can't sing on pitch. Please go home.

Lee DeWyze sucked by choosing that Hinder song that I could happily never hear again for the rest of my life. It reminds me of the dorm bathrooms my freshman year of college. The Friley bathrooms weren't bad, but it's not really a place I need to be transported back to. Also, bands like Hinder, and Creed, and Nickelback (gag) are possibly my least favorite form of rock music. And I thought he sounded nasally. For me for him, it was just not good.

I didn't even try to rank this mess, because, really, would it even be possible? That's like asking someone what kind of dog shit they'd like to step on. Does it really matter? You're just pissed that you stepped in dog shit, and now you have to go waste your time cleaning it off your shoes. That's how I felt about last night.